Bear Nuts: Welcome to the Den of Evil
by StoticM
Summary: What happens when you sign a contract with Evil? You'll just have to find out, It can't be good. Based on the Webcomic Bear Nuts.


_What do you expect to wake up too when you live with someone named Evil?_

 _The endless screams of their victims?_

 _The cackling of a mad man relishing their deeds?_

 _Or maybe witnessing some dastardly scheme?_

 _All of these things are viable but I woke up to a piece of paper hovering over my face, with a wicked smile behind it._

….

"What the heck is this?" Fighter squinted at the poorly written words on the paper held over his nose, he rose an eyebrow as he held the paper over his head.

"It's a contract, what? You expect me to take your word for it? I'm not stupid."

"Y-you weren't kidding?"

Evil frowned annoyed as he narrowed his brow. "Just sign the paper, or I'll beat you again." He smiled proudly. Fighter stretched his neck as he rose from the floor.

 _My arm feels better now...I could sucker punch him?_ He thought.

He turned his head to the door, it was open, but another bear was there guarding the door. Evil noticed and responded.

"Oh and if you run, Lech and I will beat you down." He said nonchalantly as he looked at his knuckles and cracked them threateningly.

Fighter sighed in defeat. "It's too early for this, fine." He rolled his eyes.

 _Although it Could been fun, no. I should try to settle in, After all, I don't know how long I could be staying here…_

He pushed the thought out of his shoved the contract in his hands with a pencil. Fighter started to read the paper, much to Evil's annoyance.

"Grr, Just sign the thing!" Evil growled annoyed.

"Yeah, why read? It's pointless." Lech said as leaned on the door.

Fighter narrowed his brow as he pointed to Evil with his thumb. "I'm signing a contract with the devil without reading all of it, not taking any chances."

"Aw, I'm touched." Evil smiled wolfishly. He continued to go through the paper, despite a few spelling errors it seemed fine... all except for one clause. he looked at Evil, then back to the paper, then to Evil again...

"No." His tone was flat.

"No, what?" Evil was holding back a grin.

"I will pummel you both for _this_." He point to the paper he blushed slightly.

Evil Cackled at his embarrassment. "Oh come on,' Lech cried out as walked over and pulled the contract from his hands. Evil gnawed his teeth annoyed as he saw Lech manhandling the paper. He worked so hard on it, only for the two toss it around like a piece of...he just realized.

 _Damn it._ He thought.

"Alright you wuss,' Lech continued. "What has you so anal about this?" He slowly read through the paper: _I (slave name here) will devote my entire week to helping my master Evil with whatever he wishes to do, regardless if it gets me in trouble. Nor will I get my vengeance/comeuppance for a month. And I will call him your Evilness, till my time expires. Note: you are entitled to the weekend off_.

Lech paused. "What's wrong this?"

"I know it's not like I'm going to steal his weekend away from him. I'm not completely heartless." Evil rolled his eyes.

"Read. The fine print." Fighter responded, he pointed to the last line.

"I will also allow myself to be shaved and have tatt, he he." Lech Snickered and conituned. "Have a Tattoo of: 'Evil's Plaything' And have it placed on my back... Oh my god. Ha ha ha, really?" He snorted. Evil Smiled innocently.

"I will firmly place my fist up both your asses. NO ONE is shaving me." Fighter gave stern look.

"I knew I was right about the 'anal' thing." Lech exclaimed.

Both of the other bears face-palmed, a smile was hidden under Fighter lips. Evil responded. "Fine. Just sign, pussy."

"Hey now. I love my hair, being shaved just wouldn't be the same." He rolled his eyes while keeping a sly grin. _Damn it, the rat rubbed off on me._

Lech burst into laughter as he realized what he just said. Evil just placed his paw on the contract and gave him a pencil. He was not taking any more of this. Fighter reluctantly signed. Evil pulled him by the neck to his closet. "Get over here you, comedian. Let me give you your…" He shivered. "Clown suit." He said with disdain.

….

Lech walked out of the room grinning stupidly into the living room. He met Nerd and Prozac."Ugh, why do you have to be here? I booked the TV first." Nerd whined at Lech.

"Hey, I want to watch this show as much as you do." He honestly didn't. He wanted to tease Nerd a bit, W _ho knows maybe something good will come on?_ He jumped into the couch and he rested his hands behind his head, much to the two's annoyance.

"We can all share the TV, Nerd wanted to show me one of his favourite shows." Prozac exclaimed, although he didn't look all that interested.

Lech looked at him knowingly, "And do you care about it at all?" He rose his eyebrow while scratching his butt.

Prozac scratched his head sheepishly,"It's not that I don't care," He looked back at Nerd who was folding his arms and looking at him suspiciously. "I'd like to give it a fair chance."

"Well, this episode should be interesting, They're exploring a new planet!" Nerd squealed giddily. Prozac liked his enthusiasm he smiled as well. Lech on the other hand…

"Does the planet have babes on it?" He gave a lopsided smile.

Nerd gave a frown in return. "This is why I didn't want him here, he just in it for the boobs."

"And is there anything wrong with that!" He smirked. Before Prozac could respond another bear entered the room wearing a pink tutu... Lech held his breath while holding back a stupid grin, Prozac was genuinely confused and Nerd was snickering.

The now tutued Fighter held a small paper in his hand, and a thermos with a rocket ship on it as looked back to his audience. He then looked over Evil peeking from the corner of the entrance to their rooms. A sigh came from him as he threw away the paper. "I am the magical stink fairy,' he twirled around in a circle, Lech burst out laughing as he fell off the couch. "I've come to give the presents to those who need it. And since you two," He pointed to Prozac and Lech, "Stink the most. I give my gift to you, my little wiener." He gave the thermos to Nerd, he frowned in response.

"Was this necessary?" Nerd said dubiously.

Fighter shrugged, "A lot fluff just for Evil to give a nice looking thermos,' he preceded to scratch around his crotch area of the tutu. Prompting Prozac to raise his eyebrow questioningly, Lech was still laughing. Fighter responded to gaze of their leader. "What?! This thing chaffes like you wouldn't believe. I'm itchy."

"Decency. At least show you have some." Prozac said flatly folding his arms.

"Hey, I'll show it when were in public! Wait were zoo animals who cares about being civil?"

Prozac sighed. "That maybe the case but under our house we have rules to follow, and scratching your unmentionables here is one of them." He continued to scratch again.

Prozac frowned annoyed.

"I can't help it!" he growled as he clawed around his crotch, "I- I feel strange sensation in my pants."

"Dude, get that taken care in private." Lech stated bluntly.

Nerd then realized something."Wait, is it an itching sensation? " Fighter nodded. "Dude, run to the bathroom it's itching powder." He stated worried.

Fighter bolted to bathroom passing a cackling Evil as he ripped off the thing and jumped into the tub. Gay walked by and saw the remains of the fabric. "Noooo! My tutu, bastards!" Prozac looked at Nerd suspiciously as held the thermos close. "What? I like the design on it, Besides it's harmless." He shook it, nothing was inside.

Prozac shook his head annoyed.

….

 _The Next day_

Fighter yawned as he woke up again to a paper, this time taped to his face. He pulled it off and read it: _Alright minion, all you need to do is bring Nerd back to his room. Ask him about Larping and he'll drag you in his room. Just keep him there._ He tilted his head to the side and squinted at the paper. He got from his 'bed' to find Nerd.

"I'm glad someone's finally interested in Larping with me," He grinned as he gave Fighter a wooden sword out of a chest, he was wearing a burlap cloak and a Viking helmet. Nerd was wearing white wizards cloak and a bag strapped to his side.

"So this is Larping? Dressing up and hitting each other with weapons?" he scratched his ear, there was an odd humming noise in his room, it droned on silently in the background.

"Yea, there 's more to it, but you have the gist of it." He continued to search for his last piece of his ensemble, his hat. The other bear's eyes shifted toward the thermos on his table beside the chest.

 _Did I really have to do all that just for a gift? Why all the trouble..._ He pondered."I still wish I could get the others to play DnD with me though." Nerd pulled the hat out and placed on his head. "Magic missile! " He threw a couple of wads of paper at him. They bounced off his face harmlessly, then he patted the sword on Nerd's head.

He started laughing at the absurdity of it. "Gha ha ha, I'm so sorry but this is soo dumb." He held his sides as dropped the sword on the ground.

Nerd rolled his eyes, "Why are you here, then?"

"Well-" The humming sound stopped then the thermos clicked.

"I have a feeling that's why." Fighter pointed to the thermos as air escaped from it.

 _Bssshhh, Boom!_

The thermos exploded leaving a green gas spreading into the room. The smell of the gas was mix between rotten eggs and milk. Both of them started to cough violently as they left the room their eyes turned red.

"Damn it, now I have bathe again!" Fighter face-palmed.

"Join the club." Nerd said flatly as he put his fingers on the bridge of his nose.

...

 _The Next Day_

Evil and Fighter stood near the bathroom area in the cave.

"Evil, what the actual hell is this?" he was placed in a corn costume, Evil retorted.

"All you need to do is walk into the bathroom with this on. And what did I tell you about my name minion?"

He stared at Evil with a blank expression on his face, he was done. "Alright your Evilness." He marched into the bathroom.

Evil perked his ears heard a scream then a thud. He expected Crack to be in the bathroom. He giggled as Fighter walked back."Wow that was fast. What happened?" Evil snorted.

"Your an ass, y'know that?" He was smiling at him.

"Really, huh? I'm not the only one then. It seems like you enjoyed yourself." Evil retorted with a sly grin.

Fighter sighed in response. "Ahhh, No. That's not what I'm smiling about. Hehehe." He laughed squinted worried.

"Than what are y-"

 _Stomp Stomp Stomp_

Prozac stomped behind him, he was angry at the both of them for the little panic attack they gave Crack. He snorted angrily through his nose at them and gritted his teeth."I'm smiling because when I go down," Prozac grabbed them both, "Your going with me!" He gave a Cheshire grin.

The both of them were thrown into their room, Evil landed face first into his bed, while Fighter landed on the ground. He laid his body out on floor, still grinning. Prozac shouted before he shut the door. "You both are GROUNDED!"

 _Slam_

Fighter broke the silence between them spoke first: "Ha-"

"Don't. Say **ANYTHING**!" Evil threatened his roommate while he was still flipped upside down in his bed.

"Technically, I was laughing." he grinned.

"Laugh again and I wont hesitate to scoop you." Evil scowled as he pulled himself upright.

"Don't you mean spoon?" Fighter tilted his head as he folded his arms.

"It's a scoop, not a spoon. You moron." He knew that, he wanted to milk this for all it's worth.

"Hey man, you do you. I won't judge if you like to spoon animals." Evil's face was red as apple, It looked like steam was pouring out his ears. He sighed and then responded:

"It's a scoop!"

"Spoon." Fighter said grinning.

"Scoop!"

"Spoon."

"Scoop!"

"Spoon."

"Scoop!"

"Scoop."

Evil looked at him frustrated. "You really think I'm that stupid?."

"That depends. Which one of us thought it was a good idea to scare, Crack. Who was right next to a bear that can break us both in half?" He was referring to Prozac.

"Please, like I was supposed to know he was there!"

"Since your the 'master' I thought you'd planned for that, I'm just following your lead." Fighter rested his head on his paw.

Evil paused and glared at him."I hate you."

"Hate you too, buddy." He smiled smugly.

"Your just lucky I need you. And I have another plan to get us out of here tomorrow."

He pulled out a walkie talkie and called Lech.

...

The next morning Prozac sighed as he looked at Evil's room, empty. Somehow he saw this coming but he wanted to be wrong. He shook his head as he looked for Death to help him round up Evil and his roommate.

In the warthog preserve two zoo keepers stood behind the railings sipping coffee. "Hey Tim, check on the warthogs."

Tim took a sip of his coffee and laughed bitterly. "Ha ha, Are you kiddin' me? All those hogs do is sleep, eat and mate. Nothing is happening over there." He pointed to the exhibit behind him.

"Whatever you say, not my problem if one of animals is dead." The other keeper said

"Drama queen they're sleeping, let's just get something to eat before the kids arrive."

As the two left three bears emerged from the bushes beside them. The trio consisted of Lech, Evil and Fighter as they walked toward the railings. Lech was holding a long rope. The inhabitants of the exhibit were sleeping in the shade of the large tree in the middle of the exhibit, it was filled with apples. "I still say it's dumb to go in alone." Lech tied the rope to the railing.

"I can handle this myself. Just stand guard." Evil rappelled down to the exhibit he made his way to the large tree sneaking past the sleeping warthogs. Lech sighed and leaned back on the railing while Fighter stared at Evil as he made his way up the large tree.

"Is he always like this?" Lech looked at him quizzically for a moment and replied.

"Like a psycho, sure. But he's alright when you get to know him."

"Really?" He rose an eyebrow inquisitively. Lech looked at Fighter he narrowed his eyes.

"He threatened to burn you didn't he? " he said nonchalantly.

"No..." he got quiet for a moment then questioned the new piece of information. "Has he set anyone fire yet?"

Lech looked away from him sheepishly while trying to look cool as rubbed his chin, "Once. No one died though." He smiled gave a him a serious look. His companion shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands apologetically. "Look man, no one's perfect. Everyone's got a dark side. Heck, I got my brain scrambled by Death and he's the chilliest guy here… he's still creepy though."

This required further investigating, "How did that-"

"Never give him coffee. Ever." _Good enough for me._ Fighter had another question, "Did Evil tell you why he's stealing apples from them?"

"It's so we at least have more food in the cave before we're forced to give some of our rations to Lions' for the games they have." Fighter looked confused as he squinted at Lech, He elaborated. "Just some dumb competition the zoo animals have now and again to see who's the best animal is in the zoo. Think the Olympics with animals." Fighter imagined an image of a lion standing on the a podium while the other two podiums were empty. The feline had a gold medals draped around it's mane as it coughed out the feathers of the previous competitor…

"Wouldn't the large preds just stomp us into dirt?"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID! Shit." He covered his mouth in Evil's ears perked up. He peered down at the warthogs, no one was stirring. _I'm going to throw him to the lions one day._ He thought. Evil collected a few of the apples from the tree in a bag. He saw one more apple was just in arms reach as he lurched forward slowly for it.

 _Crack._

A small cracking sound could be heard from under the branch.

 _Snap!_

Evil fell to the ground face first. He pulled himself up only to be pelted with the apples he gathered in his bag falling one by one. His cohorts giggled at the sight."God dammit! Of course these idiots are laughing at me!" He shouted as he realized the animals around him woke up… "Shit." The two looked at Evil run around dodging the warthogs, they continued to chase him, "Gahh, Help!" Evil exclaimed.

"Sooo, wanna help the little psychopath?" Lech grinned.

Fighter looked at Evil running around for his life. _Just leave him. He just a pro-_ he stopped for a moment. _No. It's not like I have the right to judge..._ Evil was out of breath as he reached the rope, the warthogs manged to reach him, the leader being a warthog with a scar around his left eye. "Drop the apples, bear. And we'll only gut you a little bit." "Not happening, piggy." Evil glared at the hog. "Alright then gut hi- gakk!" He was interrupted by a black bear landing on his head and jumping off, followed by another bear jumping on his head. They group of hogs looked at the bears in shock."You won't touch him." Fighter glared at the pack while Lech cracked his knuckles. The three got ready to fight the pack.

….

The trio walked back to the bear exhibit. Hauling their spoils in tow. They were right beside the lions preserve. "Told ya." Lech said rolled his eyes in response. _Maybe I can trust them? They aren't so bad, nobodies_ \- Fighter's thoughts were interrupted, the three of them stopped as they saw Prozac in front of them looking angry… He noticed both of disappeared from behind him. He sighed realizing they ran then he heard screaming:

 _AAAAAAhhhhhh! Bzzt, Thud, Bzzt Thud._

He turned to see both of them on the ground drooling, unconscious. Death walked out of the corner and toward Fighter as he stepped over the bodies. Fighter got worried for a moment than chuckled. Prozac tilted his head suspiciously. "What's so funny?"

"Death lurks around every corner..." He smiled.

Death returned the smile. Prozac remained unfazed.

"What!? He gets it."

"Your in so much trouble." He glared at him.

"I know."

...

The lions awoke as they heard shouting from outside their persevere. "Damn, idiots. It's too early for this." He curled up beside his lioness.

"It's fine, just sleep for now, love." She yawned as she nuzzled his mane. "If it were only that easy, Serena."


End file.
